Empathy and Compassion

Empathy and Compassion: The Heart of Togetherness and Belonging

Episode Transcript

Welcome to the show. My name is Kim Harris. This is Stories of Change and today I’ve got a very powerful episode in store for you.

We’re going to be diving deep into the world of empathy and compassion and exploring how they foster togetherness and belonging in our lives. But before I get too stuck into it, I’m going to play a bit of a fun song. This one’s by Robert Palmer, “Change His Ways”. Enjoy this one.

Exploring Empathy and Compassion for Togetherness and Belonging

You’re listening to 99.1, Yarra Valley FM, this is Stories of Change. My name is Kim Harris. Welcome back.

Last term, I outlined the stages of change, and the processes of change to help you feel empowered to make changes in your life.

This term I’m focusing on how important it is for people to change together.

And one of the factors of successful change is having the support of helping partners.

So that is why togetherness and belonging is so important.

Togetherness and belonging, plus the need for individual and organisational change, are both essential if you want to be together successfully.

You want to grow and develop personally and professionally.

So that’s what we’re talking about. All these wonderful things.

Today I’m going to be focusing in on a couple of key parts or components of togetherness and belonging, which is empathy and compassion.

And they play a crucial role in our relationships and interaction with others.

Defining Empathy and Compassion

I thought I’d start in my typical way, of defining what some of these words mean.

Empathy: Understanding and Sharing Others’ Feelings

First up, we’ve got empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others.

It allows us to truly connect with someone on an emotional level and to see the world through their eyes.

It’s kind of like that saying, walk a day in another man’s shoes.

That kind of idea.

Compassion: Alleviating Suffering and Making a Difference

Compassion, on the other hand, is the sympathetic concern for the suffering or misfortune of others.

It involves a genuine desire to alleviate their pain and make a positive difference in someone else’s life.

I had an example of this many, many years ago when a good friend of mine lost her son, her eight-year-old son, which was very tragic.

And I remember we couldn’t really do much, but we all were together, and we cried together. And we felt the pain of that together. And in that small way, we helped her to cry as well.

That was a part of expressing and alleviating some of that intensity of that emotion.

That’s an example of compassion, where we were just moved to tears by her situation.

These qualities of empathy and compassion are essential in fostering a sense of togetherness and belonging.

That’s why they’re so important.

When we show empathy towards others, we’re validating their experience and we’re validating their emotions.

We’re creating a safe space for them to express themselves authentically and express what’s there and say what’s on their mind.

Compassion, on the other hand, allows us to extend that healthy helping hand to be there for others in their time of need.

A key word in this is the word validate.

Validation: The Pathway to Connection

A definition for validate or validation is to check or prove the validity or accuracy of something.

That’s checking in with someone and really making sure that you’re accurately understanding where they’re coming from.

When you check in and when you try to determine what is really going on here for this person, you’re demonstrating then the value of the person, and what they’re going through and you’re showing up by way of support.

That’s where we’re making or declaring what we’ve understood by the situation, so we can clarify what’s really going on for somebody.

A key word of empathy and compassion is the word validate.

I’m going to unpack that a little bit more with words. It’s all well and good to know all the meanings of the words, but how do we apply this in a real-life context? Before that, I’m going to play a song. Now, this is a song. It’s a bit of a quirky one, which I quite like. It’s called “The Empathy Song” and it’s by the Mosaic Project. Enjoy this one.

Empathy and Compassion: Importance in Relationships

Let’s explore the benefits of empathy and compassion in our personal and professional relationships, because understanding these benefits, is really what will make the difference between you listening to me today and trying to apply some of these concepts to your relationships in life.

When we cultivate these qualities, we foster trust.

We also foster understanding and deeper connection in our personal lives.

On a personal level, it enables us to build stronger bonds to the people in our life and to truly see and appreciate the people around us.

As I’ve talked about in previous episodes, it’s so important to pay attention to the people in our life every now and then and really look in their eyes and express appreciation of them.

That is where you’re cultivating exactly what I’m talking about, this sense of empathy and compassion for others.

It doesn’t end in our personal lives.

I’m not sure about you, but a large majority of my life, I’m at work. So, this applies in a professional realm as well.

Empathy and compassion in the workplace are equally vital.

It sometimes boggles my brain, I know a couple of my sons are in the construction industry and another one, he’s a chef. And some of the ways that these people behave in the workplace is not empathetic and not compassionate.

There are some industries out there that could really take some notice of the importance of showing up and being emotionally intelligent enough to support people in the workplace as well.

There’s some room there for growth from some of the stories I’ve heard.

I understand we’ve got to get on with things and it’s not always a good idea to be talking about our feelings at work.

But if we’ve had something particularly stressful, it can make a big difference to just say, “I’ve just had one of those mornings and someone to go, “Yeah, I know what you mean, mate.”

It’s a good idea to enhance the teamwork and the collaboration and your effectiveness as a leader to know when to employ empathy and compassion.

It doesn’t mean you have to agree with people. It just means you are trying to understand and relate to your colleagues and provide a supportive and inclusive work environment where everybody can thrive.

There’s some of the benefits.

When we’re connected, it’s much easier because life isn’t easy. There’s going to be struggles from time to time. And to have those supportive relationships, I’m sure you can appreciate, has a lot of value.

With that note, I have got a song here that poses a very good question. “Where is the love?” Where is the love? This is by the Black-Eyed Peas. Enjoy this one.

Empathy and Compassion: Is it time for us to let love take over?

That was “When Love Takes Over” by David Guetta and Kelly Rowland. And it’s a great idea, isn’t it? What would happen to the world if love completely took over?

I for one think that would be a really good thing to happen.

I’m going to talk about some practical ways that we can actually increase the amount of empathy and compassion we’re experiencing on a day-to-day basis.

I really want these episodes to be practical.

So, let’s share some practical tips.

I’m so sorry. My throat’s playing up this morning. So sorry for the coughing there.

Practical Tips for Empathy and Compassion

Practice Active Listening

First thing we want to do is practice active listening, it’s called.

It’s simply where we truly tune in and listen to others.

We really seek to understand their experience and their emotions. And we use words to validate their feelings.

In that way, we’re providing, as I said before, that supportive kind of space for them to just share.

I’m not sure if you have kids of your own or know some kids, but if you think about even when you were a kid yourself, when an adult pays, simply paid attention to you, you often felt really loved.

Paying attention = love.

Kim Harris

When we give people our full attention without distraction, that’s the first thing that we can do when we’re seeking to practice active listening.

Try that one on for size. Just put away your distractions and really give someone your full attention. That’s a pretty easy one.

Learn the Art of Validation

The second tip that I could give you would be to learn how to validate a person.

Many people will go through their whole lives without hearing beautiful validations from someone who isn’t distracted or isn’t focused on something else.

Validation is the pathway to someone’s heart and soul.

Kim Harris

It’s how to light someone up and let them know they are enough, and they are worthy, for who they are as a person.

We can use validation in this powerful way.

When anyone shares a feeling or a challenge and in the beginning, you need to set your intention, that you are going to make this person feel understood, seen and heard.

As I said, lots of people go through their whole lives without ever hearing these types of validations.

In my work as a coach, it’s an important part of developing rapport and allowing people to move through their emotions and close those emotional loops.

Very important.

Guiding Principles for Effective Validation

So, I’m going to go into some guiding principles of validation because it is such a key feature of empathy and compassion.

Don’t Offer a Solution Unless You’re Asked for One

The first guiding principle when you seek to validate someone is when someone shares a problem, do not share a solution unless they ask for one.

People mostly are just wanting to be understood first and foremost.

All they need is that space where it’s okay to express themselves.

It’s also not about agreeing with them.

It’s all about them and how they feel as a person.

That’s the first guiding principle.

Don’t share a solution unless you’re asked for one.

This is an interesting difference between the sexes, so males and females. Quite often, the men in our life, they’re “fixers” and they want to jump to fix. So, they jump to give you a solution and they don’t always understand, because they’re wired that way, they need to take a pause, and only offer that solution if you ask.

Whereas women are quite okay just listening to people. Sometimes perhaps our men might like us to step forward and offer a solution, so they don’t feel like they’re always the ones that need to create a solution to a problem, for example of a change we might like to consider in the way we validate each other. And, as you can see, communication is such a vital feature of validation. So that’s the first guiding principle.

Don’t Make It About Yourself or Get Defensive

The second guiding principle for validating someone effectively is to don’t make it about yourself.

Don’t talk about yourself even if you think it’s relevant.

Wait until you’re asked and don’t be defensive if they just want to talk things through.

Reflect to them that you’re listening and wanting to understand them.

We’ve got this little bit of a movement, the “Me Too” movement and there’s fors and against this. I do personally like when I’m talking to a really close friend, that knows me really well, I do appreciate it when they do say, “Yeah, I know what you mean. I’ve been through a similar thing.”

I do feel connection when they’re willing to share vulnerable things about themselves as well. It makes me feel like we’re in it together. I’m not the only one that’s ever experienced what I’m experiencing.

So that’s a bit of a guiding principle, to not make it about yourself.

If you do it all the time, it can be a barrier between you and the person who’s needing to share. Something to think about there as a guiding principle.

Ask Questions to Clarify Anything You Don’t Understand

The third guiding principle to validation, is to ask questions.

As we talked about in the definition of the word validate, it’s all about checking in and gaining that accuracy, understanding where they’re coming from and being accurate in your understanding of that.

Ask questions like, could you tell me more about that? Or is it OK if I ask a question so I can really understand what’s going on for you?

Asking questions can really show the person that you are listening and you’re being thoughtful about what they’re saying.

That’s a third guiding principle. That’s an important one. Ask questions.

Affirm Your Respect and Admiration for Their Efforts So Far

The fourth guiding principle is to show your respect and admiration for them and acknowledge what they’re going through.

You can say things like “That sounds challenging, and good on you for coming to where you are. That’s amazing.” And things like “It’s wonderful. You’re so committed to taking action in this way.”

You can also ask questions to show your respect and admiration or acknowledge what they’re going through and use that compassion muscle by asking questions like, “Is there anything else I can do for you?” or “How can I help?” or simply affirming “I’m here for you.”

Imagine what it would be like for you if you’re going through a tough time and someone said, “Look, I’m here for you. Is there is there anything I can do?”

Showing up for you in that way can be deeply comforting.

There are some guiding principles to validation because it is such an important skill. To cultivate the ability to validate someone, acknowledge what they’re going through, and reflect it back to them in a very supportive way.

With that in mind, I’m going to play a song called “Humble and Kind” and it’s by Tim McGraw because I think it does take a degree of humility and lack of defensiveness to listen to somebody and respond to them in the ways that I’ve described. Enjoy this one.

Empathy and Compassion: Spreading Love and Understanding

Lovely to have you along today.

I’ve been talking about some tips for how you can practice and cultivate empathy and compassion towards others in your life.

I was talking about a couple of practices. The first one was active listening and the second was to how to validate.

Then I gave you some insight into some guiding principles of validation.

There’s a couple more tips to the third one.

How else can we validate a person?

Empathy and Compassion: Engage in Acts of Kindness

Engage in acts of kindness and random acts of compassion.

Small gestures can make a significant impact on someone’s day – you are validating their existence – and small gestures create a powerful ripple effect of positivity throughout the world.

I’ve talked about it on other shows. The principle of the butterfly effect when you’re in a good mood, research shows, you influence 80,000 other people in the butterfly effect way.

One small positive act does go a long way!

Think about a random act of kindness, perhaps that you can perform today and don’t put it off. Go and do it.

Embrace Perspective Taking

The fourth tip for today is to practice perspective taking.

This is something I love about the work that I do in coaching, because it’s all about how we’re looking at things.

Stepping out of the role of the participant in our lives sometimes and choosing to observe things for a bit.

This is exactly what this tip is all about.

It’s about putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and trying to understand their experience and emotions from their point of view.

It’s like taking a step back and saying, “Well, yeah, I’m just going to try this on and imagine what they must have gone through in life to think or feel the way that they do.”

It involves considering an alternate perspective, perhaps to the one that you’ve got.

It’s about cultivating empathy through that perspective.

Being generous in perspective taking, can really deepen your connections with others and really bring you closer together with the people that you love.

Perspective taking is a great art to learn.

I do believe that he who has the most flexibility within any system has the most choice.

Taking a new perspective is something only you can control, how you act towards others, what you think at any given moment, and what you say to people. To take control and understand that you do have some choices in the way that you respond to people and being willing to take that step back and look at someone from a purely observant way, can really facilitate that.

Something to think about there.

Empathy and Compassion Starts with Developing Self-Compassion

Finally, the most important tip that I’ll leave you with is, don’t forget to develop self-compassion.

Most of us have never learnt how to empathize or be compassionate towards others.

By practicing mindfulness and self-care and showing kindness to ourselves, we enhance our capacity to have these things for others.

We’re all struggling in some way.

We all wish to find some peace within.

“Common Humanity” is an is an aspirational concept that challenges us to consider that we’ve all got something in common.

The truth is you’re not the only one struggling or having a tough time.

Kim Harris

It makes you part of the human race.

Applying the principles of validation to yourself, everything that I’ve talked about when you’ve got a problem, give yourself some space to share towards yourself, and consider how you talk to yourself about how you’re feeling.

Acknowledge to yourself, “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed.”

It’s okay to express yourself and then move through those things.

Don’t necessarily need to talk yourself in and out of it.

Don’t be defensive or try and minimize what you’re feeling.

Don’t be defensive towards your own self.

Don’t think, “I’m being silly, and I’ve got to get on with it. I’ve got to, toughen up or man up” or whatever you might like to say to yourself.

No, you don’t need to do that. Don’t be defensive.

Instead, ponder some questions like, “Hmm, I wonder what is really going on for me?”

Apply all these things to yourself.

The fourth guiding principle was to show your respect and admiration – so do this for yourself.

If you’re going through a tough day, brushing your teeth is an achievement. And I’ve certainly had days like that. Develop that way of validating yourself and show up for yourself.

Be your own best friend.

This is the way to practice and increase your capacity to show empathy and compassion towards others as well.

Lots to think about, lots of tips there for how you can practically apply what we’ve been talking about this morning with empathy and compassion.

Empathy and Compassion: Embracing a Lifelong Journey

We’re concluding this episode, but I just want you to remember that cultivating empathy and compassion is a lifelong journey.

By implementing some of these practical tips, we can actually create a ripple effect of love, understanding and togetherness in our lives and the lives of those around us.

These are the things that I’m very passionate about.

Tune in Next Episode

Thanks for joining us today and be sure to tune in for our next episode.

I’m going to continue to explore the power of togetherness and belonging by delving into the topic of overcoming isolation and loneliness.

As we all know, we’ve heard about it before. We were all in lockdown.

And we’ve all experienced that in different ways.

Some of us are still feeling really cut off.

My partners in this project, the Community Enterprise Foundation^TM, want to assist you, and our community in the recovery from these experiences.

We want to make sure that you understand all about what is isolation and loneliness, and how can we overcome that?

If that’s something that would be of interest to you, please join me next episode.

All my episodes are podcast and available on my own personal website, kimmharris.com.

Feel free to catch up on last season’s show or any other show that takes your fancy there.

Share Your Stories and Experiences

I’d love to hear from you, too. Any time you’ve got some experiences or tips or anything that you might like to share with us, feel free to get in touch with me.

I’d love to hear any stories from you or how you’ve inspired or how you’ve cultivated empathy and compassion in your life.

By sharing, you can inspire others on their journey towards deeper connections with people in their lives as well.

Very happy to interview you!

That’s all for today’s episode on cultivating empathy and compassion.

In Conclusion

Cultivating empathy and compassion isn’t just a one-time effort—it’s a lifelong journey that can transform relationships and communities.

By actively listening, validating others’ experiences, and engaging in acts of kindness, we can create a ripple effect of love, understanding, and togetherness in our lives and the lives of those around us.

Remember, self-compassion is equally important on this journey. Together, let’s continue to explore the power of togetherness and belonging, inspiring deeper connections and resilience in our ever-changing world.

Stay tuned for more thought provoking discussions on the power of togetherness and belonging.