Alone to Together

Introduction to the Show and Topic

Episode Transcript

Welcome back. My name is Kim Harris. This is Yarra Valley FM 99.1. My show is called Stories of Change.

I’ve had a bit of a change here, a bit of a reschedule here at the station.

Rescheduling Announcement

Normally I’m on a Thursday morning and I’m moving over to Monday morning so that I can include a few more interviews and things with people from in the Valley and around the area, and all over the world.

I’ve got some interesting interviews lined up.

I do hope that you’ll join me in the last couple of seasons of the show.

The Inevitability of Change in Life & Framework for Navigating Through Change

I’ve been talking about change and the process of change and teaching people about change because change is inevitable in life.

Once you know a bit of a framework for moving through the stages of change, it makes it a lot easier.

If you’ve missed out on the show, you can catch up on all the episodes on our podcast, which is on the Yarra Valley FM website as well as my own site.

You can catch up on past shows there, all about change.

The Power of Togetherness and Belonging

This season I’ve been focusing in on the power of togetherness and belonging.

A Response to Isolation and Loneliness

And this is really a response to the isolation and loneliness of the last few years and the rising numbers of people who are experiencing these feelings of loneliness and separation.

Today I’m going to be delving into a topic that affects many of us and that’s overcoming isolation and loneliness.

In our modern society, it’s becoming increasingly common to feel disconnected and alone, which is sad to say, considering there’s so many of us! We’re not ever truly alone.

Fear not! Because today we’re going to explore the strategies to overcome these challenges and build stronger connections with others.

I’m going to be jumping straight into that. But before I do, I’m going to get us in the mood and perhaps meet you where you are, as you reflect on the question, have you ever been lonely?

I happen to believe that’s something that we’ve all felt from time to time because it is a very typical human experience.

So, if that’s you, I’m going to play a song just to, I guess, capture perhaps how you felt, when you felt lonely. This one’s a bit of an old one. I’ve just got to find it now. Where did it go? This is by Gilbert O’Sullivan, and it’s called “Alone Again (Naturally)”.

It seems to me that there are more hearts broken in the world, that can’t be mended, left unattended. What do we do? What do we do?

Gilbert O’Sullivan

Alone to Together: Delving into Isolation and Loneliness

Welcome back to the power of togetherness and belonging. And today we are overcoming isolation and loneliness together.

As I explained last term, I was talking all about the stages of change and the process of change to help you feel empowered to make changes in your life.

One of the lynch pins of the change process is to change together.

To do it with the help of helping partners they’re called.

That’s why, this term around, I’m going to start to talk about, what does it take for us to work together, and work together through a change process?

And it’s through the power of togetherness and belonging.

It includes understanding and empathy and lots of other things that I’ve talked about in the previous episode. So, feel free to catch up there.

Today, I really want to make sure we’re on the same page.

You’ll get to know me. I’m a bit of a wordy person. I love the definitions of words.

Alone to Together: Definition and Effects of Isolation

Isolation, the actual word, is good to have defined because this is what we want to overcome.

One of the things is this state of isolation.

It’s important to understand what the word actually means.

It refers to a state of being physically or emotionally detached from others, where loneliness on the other hand is the feeling of being alone and lacking meaningful connections.

As we all know, both aspects, both isolation and loneliness can have a profound impact on our mental and physical well-being.

Studies have shown that loneliness and isolation are linked to an increased risk of depression, anxiety, also cardiovascular disease, and even a shorter lifespan.

Kim Harris

As I talked about in the neuroscience of connection a couple of episodes ago, it’s as important to your brain and to your body as eating and sleeping and exercising this idea of being together.

It’s crucial to address these types of feelings that can present as a bit of a barrier, to prevent us from feeling like we want to step out of isolation at all, or perhaps be together with other people, or overcome that loneliness.

It’s important to target isolation and loneliness and to explore ways and tips of approaching it.

So that’s what I’m going to be focusing on.

In a minute, I’m going to share some of the reasons for isolation and loneliness.

It’s not just necessarily to do with being in isolation the last couple of years, we all know what that feels like, but there are other reasons as well. So, I’m going to talk about that. Before I do, a song. This one’s Pink, “Leave Me Alone, I’m Lonely”. A paradoxical title.

Alone to Together: Reasons for Isolation and Loneliness

We’ve are talking about overcoming isolation and loneliness today.

And some of the reasons for isolation and loneliness include some other things that you might not be aware of.

Let’s explore some of these reasons why people experience isolation and loneliness in the first place because that can give us some good tips on how to perhaps address these types of feelings and take steps to overcome them.

Social Disconnection in the Digital Age

Firstly, one of the factors is social disconnection in the digital age.

Whilst technology has brought us closer in some ways, it’s also created a sense of superficial connectivity, leaving many people feeling isolated behind their screens.

Online interactions can never fully replace the depth and authenticity of face-to-face connections.

And as I talked about in the neuroscience of change a few episodes ago, they’ve done studies now, where they compared the brain scans of two people, one person that was interacting with other people via an online platform over a screen, like Zoom, something like that. And another one was a brain scan of people interacting face-to-face.

What was interesting is when they compared the two, the people that met face-to-face actually lit up a lot more regions of the brain.

It flooded the brain with a lot more of the feel-good chemistry, and that has this corresponding knock-on effect and makes us feel much more connected and much more vital.

Interesting to see that these online interactions, they just don’t have the same power that we have when we see each other and lock eyes with people and we’re there together face-to-face.

Something to think about there.

Another factor is changing social dynamics and community structures.

This can lead to loneliness and isolation.

Changing Social Dynamics and Community Structures

Changing social dynamics and community structural changes, can affect things as well, such as, increased need for greater mobility because of urbanization, and people needing to move to different geographic areas.

These types of things make it harder for us to maintain strong bonds with others.

It’s when you move from one area to a different geographic area because certain locations are too built up, crowded or over-populated.

And that’s one of the reasons I’m running this show, is because the Community Enterprise Foundation^TM, who have funded this project, Togetherness FX, so that I can bring this information to you. One of the reasons that compounds isolation and loneliness in the Valley and has been noted by the Community Enterprise Foundation^TM is simply the size of our geographic area.

It’s a huge area if you’re familiar with the local electorates.

The Yarra Range Shire is a big area, and we’re spread out.

Our urbanization impacts us because we don’t tend to congregate so closely as in some of the other cities, like our neighbouring City of Maroondah. It is quite packed, and the other ones are quite packed, but we are spread out.

We also have less infrastructure. For example, we don’t have trains that run out here anymore, obviously. We don’t have a great level of public transport, so people really are dependent on their own cars and their own ways of getting around.

These types of things that affect our mobility and make it harder for us to get around do affect our ability and capacity for connecting with others.

Living in a geographic area that is sparse in the way that we’re populated, can have an impact there as well.

It’s a problem unique to the Valley.

There are other reasons as well.

Life Transitions and Mental Health Conditions

Life transitions, so as I touched on moving to a new city or going through a major life change can also contribute to feelings of isolation and loneliness.

So, we mustn’t forget the impact of mental health conditions as well because they affect our ability to form and maintain meaningful connections just in and of itself.

If you’re not feeling good, sometimes you don’t feel like connecting with other people. So, if we’re feeling depression or social anxiety, it makes it challenging for us to even reach out and connect with others, which continues to perpetuate the cycle of isolation and loneliness.

There are quite a few reasons.

I do know of people that have moved from other suburbs into the Valley and they don’t know people, though it’s important to find ways, and I find it challenging as an adult, as you might know, as an adult, it’s harder to break into existing friendship groups, friendship circles.

As we get older, and as we are more reliant on these online interactions, for example, to meet other people, even dating apps and things like that. This is the way people do it these days, how people connect.

Lots of changes there that have really been reasons that have compounded this feeling of isolation and loneliness.

Within this, as I said, there’s also some tips there.

We understand that these kinds of things might pose different challenges for us.

So, we’ve got to look at our online interactions.

We’ve also got to look at our changing social dynamics and our community structures, our access to mobility and getting around in the community, and our life transitions.

If you’re new to the area or if you’re going through a major life change and you just haven’t been able to connect with anyone who can really understand what you’re going through, these are the things, these are the triggers that we need to be looking for in how we get to this place of feeling quite isolated and lonely.

After another song, I’m going to talk about the effects of this, why it happens, how we get stuck in this loop, and what to do about it.

I thought I’d play an oldie here, White Snake. This is “Here I Go Again on My Own”, walking down the only street I’ve ever known. Enjoy this nice 80’s ballad. Maybe you will sing it with me?

Breaking the Cycle of Isolation and Loneliness

When was the last time you had a dance in the lounge room with some of your friends?

I remember one of my fondest memories, was dancing with my friends, Merewyn and Dave, and my husband at the time. And we were just boogie-ing. We put all the old records on and we’re just jumping around like crazy people. Good, fond, memories.

Have you ever felt lonely?

I don’t think there’s anyone alive who hasn’t.

Recognizing and Addressing the Cycle

One of the biggest challenges of isolation and loneliness is how it perpetuates itself.

One thing leads on to another thing and leads on to another thing. And before we know it, we just get trapped in this cycle.

It’s like a never-ending loop that just keeps going around and around and around.

Importance of Conscious Effort and Intervention

Breaking free from this cycle requires a conscious effort and intervention.

As I mentioned in previous episodes, I’ve talked about change and the process of change and how you go from one stage of change to the next.

There are six stages, and we use different processes to go from one to the next.

One of the processes is called “consciousness raising”.

That’s where we want to magnify and start to really scrutinize and start paying attention to what’s going on for us on a regular basis.

Sometimes, because of the discomfort of feeling a bit lonely or feeling isolated, we can move quickly to minimize it, or push it away, or try and ignore it or avoid it.

We don’t want to do that.

We want to start paying attention to ourselves.

Starting to notice these things.

That way, we can do something about it.

This takes conscious effort.

This is one of the reasons I’m talking about it.

When you feel isolated, it means you’re cut off from others.

Maybe that’s because you’re new to the area and you don’t have a lot of close friends or maybe you’re just going through a tough time, and you’ve shut down a little bit, withdrawn from people that love you.

That feeling of isolation can make you withdraw even more and keep you away from socializing and reaching out to people because it can feel hard to make that first move.

Kim Harris

And as time passes, the loneliness starts to get stronger.

And it’s just like this knot inside you that just keeps getting tighter and tighter.

You might start to think that nobody understands you or cares about you.

This makes you even more convinced that you’ll always be alone. And it makes it harder and harder to break free from this cycle.

The longer you stay trapped in the cycle, the more difficult it becomes to escape, because we form habits around these things as we’ve talked about in previous episodes around the neuroscience.

It’s how the brain keeps us functioning.

It likes to habitualize things. It likes to automate behaviours.

We stay trapped in this cycle, it becomes more and more difficult to escape because we make a habit out of it.

Kim Harris

I get that you might feel a bit scared. We can get scared about being rejected, or disappointed if you try to connect with somebody. And then that just reinforces the idea that isolation is the only option.

It feels impossible to untangle this kind of mess.

There is hope and breaking free from this cycle requires effort and taking action just like slowly unravelling a knot, which I had to do for my daughter coincidentally this morning.

Her headphones were all tangled up in a mess and they’d gone through the wash a couple of times, and they still work miraculously, but that was okay. I just had to start by taking these small steps and figure out one knot first, and then the second knot and loosen it gradually.

It’s similar, unwinding a process of isolation and loneliness if we’ve got to that point where we’ve kind of habitualized this type of behaviour.

Strategies for Overcoming Isolation and Loneliness

So, first things first, we want to reach out to people, even if it feels scary.

Get involved in activities where you can meet new people if you are new to the area and gradually you’ll start to loosen the grip of isolation and create those new connections.

Initiating Social Interactions

One of the simplest ways I’ve found is to send somebody a text message, so that way you’re not making it too hard on yourself. You won’t feel like you’re imposing, you’re not ringing, you’re not interrupting, but it’s working like a little muscle, it’s a little tiny action that you can take.

Text, “Hey, thinking about you, what are you up to?” You know, something as simple as that can start to break you out of this cycle.

And remember, you’re not alone in this struggle.

Lots of people are experiencing this right now and we need to overcome the cycle of isolation and loneliness together.

Seek support by reaching out to others.

If you believe, with determination and persistence that you can break free from these entanglements and create new connections, meaningful connections, or even a vibrant new network of friends, you can totally do it.

Listen along to the show, I’m going to be talking about after the next couple of songs, some tips for overcoming isolation and loneliness.

That should leave you feeling empowered.

A song now, this one I like because it’s got a nice beat to it. And if you’re in the mood, perhaps you’ll wiggle your hips a bit too, just like I will be. This is Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber with “I Don’t Care”.

Alone to Together: Focusing on Building Stronger Connections

These are stories of change.

We’ve been talking about isolation and loneliness and overcoming that sort of experience in your life.

As promised, here’s some tips. Here’s some tips. We’re going to get down to the good stuff now.

The message of loneliness is that you need a connection with people, which is why I played that song.

That was “Connection” by One Republic, which I think is a great song with a great message.

But what does it mean to connect with people?

Well, if you’re not aware of what this means for you, it’s time now to have a think about it.

What does connection mean to you? Because this is the way to figure out what to do about it.

Kim Harris

It’s a key feature. An interesting component of the work I do, is to explore a person’s rules for something.

Why they do something.

It’s some sort of reason that they’ve got that underpins their behaviour or their thoughts or their feelings.

It’s good to explore your rules and ask yourself, “well, what would need to happen for me, to feel connected to someone?”

And when you ask that question, you can play with the answer and maybe wonder about that a little bit.

Because the solution to loneliness is to realize that you can reach out and make a connection immediately and end the loneliness.

There are caring people everywhere.

Kim Harris

But sometimes if you don’t take the time to identify what kind of connection you need, you might be trying to solve a puzzle with the wrong puzzle piece, so to speak.

Alone to Together: Ask Yourself These Helpful Questions

Do you need an intimate connection with your partner or with someone that you love?

Do you need some basic friendship?

Someone to listen to you?

Someone to have a laugh with?

Or perhaps a crazy lounge room dancing session with, like I had with my friends?

Sometimes it’s just simply wondering about what your true need is. And then once you’ve identified that, then you can obviously act on it.

I think it’s important to remind yourself what’s great about being lonely, because sometimes we think of it as something that’s kind of a negative experience, but it’s a positive thing.

Ask, what’s great about being lonely?

Kim Harris

The thing about being lonely is that it means that you really care about people, and you love to be with them. How cool is that?

You really care about people; you want to be with them.

It’s literally the signal that all you need to find out is the type of connection that you’d value, and then go and have that experience with somebody right now.

Take immediate action and make it happen.

So, that final step then is just to reach out and connect with someone.

So, the first thing we want to do is think about, “Well, okay, I’m feeling lonely.”

We want to be aware, that we’re feeling lonely.

Then, we want to identify what kind of connection we’d ideally like.

And then, we want to just reach out and connect with someone.

There you go.

Three steps.

Pretty simple.

Initiating social interactions and maintaining connections is a vital key in life.

And it can be as simple as I said, picking up the phone to call a friend, organizing a get together, or joining a social activity.

Alone to Together: Participating in Community Activities

Obviously there’s levels of complexity with all these things, but it does help us if we’re starting from ground zero, and we need to make a whole new network of friends.

You can that too.

There’s plenty of social groups in the Yarra Valley that you can join and have a great time with.

That’s the first tips.

First, we want to be aware that we’ve got some loneliness or isolation feelings coming up for us.

We want to identify what kind of connection are we looking for.

Kim Harris

And then we want to take action on whatever it is that that signal is alerting us to.

Would you value participating perhaps in a community activity?

Is that the type of connection you might be looking for?

Getting hooked into your local community is fun. You can join clubs, organizations, interest groups.

You can also volunteer, engage in community services.

Lots of op shops are in need of volunteers, all the time. You can also snag a bargain while you’re there for yourself if you’re that way inclined.

Alone to Together: Nurturing Existing Relationships

We can also obviously nurture existing relationships.

So don’t forget the importance of nurturing an existing relationship.

How have you been making time for your loved ones and strengthening the bonds you already have?

How are you practicing active listening and showing genuine interest in others?

We’ve talked about empathy and compassion in previous episodes.

Make time for your loved ones, your family, your friends, actively listen, show interest in their lives.

Strong bonds require effort and attention and of course it’s a two-way street.

Be there for others when they need support, and they will be there for you.

It’s a beautiful cycle of mutual care and understanding.

If we talk about that perpetual cycle that can happen with isolation and loneliness, it’s the same thing with when we do take the time to get together and belong to groups.

We can also start a more positive cycle of mutual care and understanding and if this continues to be a bit of a problem for you, also seek help.

There’s lots of counsellors and psychologists and self-help groups and coaches that are there to support you as well.

And don’t forget the available free resources and helplines and all those sorts of things.

If you need to talk to someone, don’t suffer in silence.

Get out there and make a difference for yourself and in your life.

Alone to Together: Prioritizing Self-Care

As a final tip there, we’re going to talk about the importance of self-care.

Self-care is essential on this journey as well.

Prioritise those activities that nourish your wellbeing, whatever they are.

Kim Harris

That could be something simple like physical exercise or engaging in a much-loved hobby or a personal interest you have.

Taking care of yourself allows you to show up more fully in your relationships for others.

It’s important to prioritise yourself and your self-compassion and your self-acceptance.

That means challenging any negative self-talk, any negative challenging beliefs, or feelings of unworthiness that you might have going on underneath it all.

Lots of key takeaways there and tips for overcoming isolation and loneliness.

Hopefully that’s given you some food for thought today.

Key Takeaways and Concluding Remarks

I’m going to wrap up the show now.

As I said before this, I do delve into these issues a little bit deeper.

So, if you want to re-listen to anything, if I’ve talked too fast, feel free to catch the episode podcast on our website.

As I conclude this episode, remember that overcoming isolation and loneliness not a one-time event.

It does take effort, but it’s totally worth it.

Take Action to Build Connections

By implementing some of these tips, such as participating in community activities, nurturing your existing relationships, looking after yourself, prioritizing yourself, watching your negative self-talk, and understanding that you got a breakout of any kind of habitual behaviour you might have got yourself tangled up in.

By doing those sorts of things and being open to implementing some of these tips, you can start building stronger connections and cultivating a sense of belonging in your life, which is what I really want for you.

You’ll Need Perseverance and Hope in Overcoming Loneliness

Don’t be discouraged if progress feels slow at times. Keep reaching out, keep participating in community activities, and keep nurturing your relationships.

With time and perseverance, you’ll find yourself surrounded by a supportive network of people who truly care about you.

Thanks for joining me today. I hope this has shed some light on ways to overcome isolation and loneliness.

Remember, you’re not alone. We’re all here with you, cheering you on, especially here at Yarra Valley FM. We want you to build meaningful connections and embrace the power of togetherness and belonging.

Join in next time

Join us next week for another episode of the power of togetherness and belonging.

Next week, I’m going to be talking about the role of community in mental health.

I’m going to be talking a lot more about the actual community organizations that you do have at your disposal for connecting you with other people.

In Conclusion

Overcoming isolation and loneliness is a journey that requires conscious effort and intervention.

By understanding the impact of loneliness and taking proactive steps to break free from its cycle, we can cultivate meaningful connections and embrace the power of togetherness and belonging.

Remember, you are not alone in this journey.

Kim Harris

Reach out, participate in community activities, nurture your relationships, and prioritize self-care.

With time and perseverance, you can build a supportive network of people who truly care about you.

Join us next week as we explore the role of community in mental health. Until then, take care of yourself and keep fostering those connections. Bye for now.